The Mission of PAIRS is to teach those attitudes, emotional understandings and behaviors that nurture and sustain healthy relationships and to make this knowledge broadly available on behalf of a safer, saner, more loving world.

How to Go from Anger, Fear and Sadness to Relief and Love

When Someone You Love is Sad or Depressed

Emotional ups and downs are a natural part of life just like the waves are a natural part of the ocean. Feeling sad, angry or scared sometimes doesn't mean someone is mentally ill, broken, or defective. Too often, people experiencing very normal responses to the events of their lives turn to prescriptions, alcohol, professional counselors, or bury themselves in work when what they really need is a trusted friend or family member who will listen. With the best of intentions, instead of listening with empathy for what someone is feeling and experiencing when they're sad or frustrated, we instead try to talk to them or tell them how to fix things. That response can cause others to bottle up feelings such as anger, fear and sadness even more and lead to real suffering.

Click Here to Learn How to Help Someone Empty Their Emotional Jug

Whether you're celebrating a great accomplishment or feeling down for any number of reasons, we all need someone in our life we can turn to who will listen with empathy and understanding. Emotional openness is the first part of bonding, which is the heart of intimacy. Making it safe for others to confide by being a good listener is one of the most valuable gifts we can give the people we love.

Psychiatrist Daniel Casriel, author of a Scream Away From Happiness, said we should each have six friends because when you really need them, five will be busy.

When someone you care about is mad, sad, scared, or depressed, it's important not to say the wrong thing. Learning to listen without giving unwanted advice, counseling, psychoanalyzing, or interjecting your own stories and concerns is often the best prescription for a loved one who is feeling down.

Below is a list of helpful things to say, followed by what not to say, when someone you care about is feeling sad or depressed, courtesy of the Depression Alliance.

I’m here for you

What to say: You’re not alone in this.
What NOT to say: There’s always someone worse off than you are.

You matter

What to say: You are important to me.
What NOT to say: No one ever said that life was fair.

Let me help

What to say: Do you want a hug?
What NOT to say: Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Depression is real

What to say: You are not going crazy.
What NOT to say: So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?

There is hope

What to say: We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.
What NOT to say: Try not to be so depressed.

You can survive this

What to say: When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you.
What NOT to say: It’s your own fault.

I’ll do my best to understand

What to say: I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.
What NOT to say: Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days.

You won’t drive me away

What to say: I’m not going to leave you or abandon you.
What NOT to say: I think your depression is a way of punishing us.

I care about you

What to say: I love you. (Say this only if you mean it.)
What NOT to say: Haven’t you grown tired of all this “me, me, me” stuff yet?

We’ll get through this together

What to say: I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself, so you don’t need to worry that your pain might hurt me.
What NOT to say: Have you tried chamomile tea?

This weekend has meant more to me than any other weekend alone with my partner. I have learned so much about my partner and his feelings getting the chance to discuss numerous topics that throughout our entire relationship we never understood about one another. The materials and information given has brought us much closer than I expected. I am grateful for this opportunity with my partner. I hope to see this program expand and continue to help keep relationships going and help keep divorce from being the option. I would definitely encourage couples to take these courses. This experience helped me open my mind up to communicate with my partner, even be more intimate. I can honestly say that if I had the chance to do this program I would and I would tell more partners to join for a life changing experience. I recommend this program to anybody reading my letter of appreciation.

My husband and I are both Marines and have been married 13 days upon beginning PAIRS ... the program has helped us build and start a great foundation of how to effectively communicate as husband and wife. I learned what it TRULY means to listen and how to learn to give my husband what he needs, as well as ask for my own needs. Thank you for being a part of improving the quality of life for so many families! God bless you!

My wife and I were going through a very difficult time. She wanted a divorce and was only going to the PAIRS class because she thought that it would help me with the end of our marriage. I did not want the divorce and the PAIRS classes were fun but very difficult for us. We missed the follow up class because we were taking a trip to Paris. It was my hope that it would help rekindle the feelings we once had for each other. My wife and I had gone there for our first Valentine's trip together and it was magical for us. My wife and I continued to talk using the techniques we learned from you in the PAIRS program, while there my wife told me during the classes that she realized we were not "done" like she had thought we were. We are now doing very well together! Thank you so much for your help.

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