Before you try Talking Tips with a partner, check out these two videos on PAIRS YouTube Channel.
Good talking is DIRECT. To send a message that other people can be sure to “catch,” you need to say what you mean. Don’t “talk around” the subject. Don’t just drop hints, or make other people guess. Get to the point!
Good talking is CLEAR. Make certain that people can understand what you’re saying, and don’t just have a “snowy picture” of it. You need to describe things well. You need to make sure that you aren’t confusing your listener!
Good talking is SPECIFIC. Sending a message effectively means giving your listener all the necessary information. Don’t be vague or general when you talk. Include details that can help the other person know exactly what you’re talking about.
Good talking is HONEST. For your message to do the most good, it needs to be honest. Don’t say something you really don’t think or feel, or that doesn’t match the facts.
Good talking is TACTFUL. Being tactful means being kind. You have to think about others feelings before you speak. You do want to be direct, clear, specific, and honest with them. But you don’t want to say things accidentally or on purpose that will hurt them unnecessarily. Words can hurt.
Good listening is ACTIVE. Good listening is more than just waiting until you can talk, or until the other person stops talking or truly says something that interests you. Good listening is doing your best to hear, understand, and help the person who is talking to fully express what they want you to know.
Good listening is ATTENTIVE. To listen well, you need to concentrate on what the other person is saying. Make sure you get the full message that they are sending. Don’t try to guess what they mean. Don’t try to do something else at the same time–like planning what you want to say next–you will probably miss something important!
Good listening is OPEN. Good listening means giving the other person the freedom to speak, and giving you the freedom to learn something. To do this, you need an open mind … one that doesn’t refuse to hear certain things. After the speaker finishes, you can decide whether you agree or you don’t agree with what was said. But while the speaker is talking, you need to agree to fully listen.
Good listening is RESPECTFUL. Good listeners never interrupt a speaker in the middle of a sentence. They only start speaking after the other person finishes a sentence and pauses. This way, they make certain that they hear everything the other person wants to say, and that they don’t make the other person feel worthless or angry.
Good listening is CAREFUL. To be a good listener, you need to ask the speaker right away about anything that you didn’t hear well, that isn’t clear, or that you didn’t quite understand.
"This weekend has meant more to me than any other weekend alone with my partner. I have learned so much about my partner and his feelings getting the chance to discuss numerous topics that throughout our entire relationship we never understood about one another. The materials and information given has brought us much closer than I expected. I am grateful for this opportunity with my partner. I hope to see this program expand and continue to help keep relationships going and help keep divorce from being the option. I would definitely encourage couples to take these courses. This experience helped me open my mind up to communicate with my partner, even be more intimate. I can honestly say that if I had the chance to do this program I would and I would tell more partners to join for a life changing experience. I recommend this program to anybody reading my letter of appreciation."
"My husband and I are both Marines and have been married 13 days upon beginning PAIRS ... the program has helped us build and start a great foundation of how to effectively communicate as husband and wife. I learned what it TRULY means to listen and how to learn to give my husband what he needs, as well as ask for my own needs. Thank you for being a part of improving the quality of life for so many families! God bless you!"
"My wife and I were going through a very difficult time. She wanted a divorce and was only going to the PAIRS class because she thought that it would help me with the end of our marriage. I did not want the divorce and the PAIRS classes were fun but very difficult for us. We missed the follow up class because we were taking a trip to Paris. It was my hope that it would help rekindle the feelings we once had for each other. My wife and I had gone there for our first Valentine's trip together and it was magical for us. My wife and I continued to talk using the techniques we learned from you in the PAIRS program, while there my wife told me during the classes that she realized we were not "done" like she had thought we were. We are now doing very well together! Thank you so much for your help.".